Liquid Nitrogen Cocktails

I’ve been meaning to write about The Bazaar by Jose Andres at the SLS Hotel for weeks now, but words have escaped me. There’s nothing like it in L.A. — or anywhere, for that matter. It’s the closest thing you will find to Vegas on the coast, the Cirque du Soleil of culinary adventures and a total sensory overload. Call it performance dining. The only place I’ve been that rivals its down-the rabbit-hole quality is Green T. Living in Beijing. Both are visual feasts, with settings that outshine the food but make the dining experience a magical, mystical journey — especially for people with ADD. The only problem is that element of surprise is ephemeral. I’ve been twice, and my second experience was not nearly as thrilling. The place gives you a fabulous sugar high the first time you see it, but sugar highs wear off.

Philippe Starck, with his quirky sensibilities, has his fingers all over SLS, as does owner Sam Nazarian. The Bazaar is designed like a three-ring circus, with two tapas restaurants on the left, one traditional and one modern, called Rojo y Blanco (the colors match the names). They’ve got a wonderful jamon (ham) bar serving the formerly banned jamon iberico, and tapas ranging from the most traditional (simple but delicious tomato on toasted bread) to the most experimental molecular gastronomy creations. We’re talking syringe-like pipettes of mozzarella you squeeze into your mouth with a cherry tomato and a liquid olive served on a spoon that’s the consistency of an over-easy egg yolk, solid on the outside, pops on your tongue. Foam is clearly the chef’s friend. Whether you sit on the modern or traditional side, you can order from both menus. Caricature artists and fortune tellers entertain on weekends.

Jamon Bar

In the center ring is Bar Centro, which has a more limited menu of caviar, raw bar selections and a few tapas. Except for the predictable crowd of Beverly Hills babes, this place is crazy cool. Individual movie screens are embedded into a communal table in the center. There are all kinds of eclectic nooks and crannies with unusual furniture where you can sit and eat, surrounded by screens that morph monkeys into men and giant crystal-like light installations that scream 80s retro chic. Waiter/performers roll around carts featuring liquid nitrogen cocktails that smoke like a science experiment and cotton candy machines used to wrap the sugary pouf around foie gras on a stick. Behind that is the whimsical patisserie with its twisted (like it melted) white chandelier, featuring desserts on display under precious glass containers, even chocolate pop rocks. Yes, we’re talking the kind that killed Mikey.

Making Cotton Candy Foie Gras

The third ring of this bizarro world is a museum-like emporium from Moss with edgy and offbeat high-design trinkets. Lots of twig/woodsy themes, which are in now, a Dutch Delight dildo, golden pigs, finger puppets of recently deceased celebrities, including Heath Ledger — you know, the usual. Judging from the prices on display at Moss and the tab it must have taken to design this place, it’s clear the concept of a recession was nowhere in evidence when The Bazaar was planned. If you need an escape from reality, this is the place to be. And yet, the food prices are not nearly as bad as I expected. Tapas plates are small, so you have to watch what you order or the tab does add up, but there are dishes you can buy for $4 and $5.

Jamon Plate

And how is the food? I’m not sure it merits the Four Stars the LA Times lavished upon it, but I certainly had some delightful dishes during my two visits. The Spanish chef, star of the public TV series “Made in Spain,” owns several D.C. restaurants and trained under the master culinary experimenter, Ferran Adria of El Bulli in Spain. He helped popularize tapas in America, and for that, we thank him.

Jose Andres

Victor’s favorite dish was the Philly cheesesteak, which was like a pastry — they call it “air bread” — with gooey cheese and Kobe beef in the center. They have a veggie version, too, with mushrooms called a “Hilly cheesesteak.” My sister, Gretchen, currently on a veggie diet, gave that one a thumbs up, too. I’m a fan of the bite-sized caviar and salmon roe cones and all the cured hams. And my friend Jan looked orgasmic while eating the foie gras cotton candy (only $5).

The group’s favorite dish might have been one the waitress recommended, which I probably would not have ordered otherwise, the jicama wrapped guacamole with micro cilantro and corn nuts. I’m not a cilantro gal, but this dish was crunchy and packed with flavor, a real winner. I also recommend the gambas al ajillo (shrimp and garlic), the Japanese tacos of grilled eel, shiso leaf, cucumber and wasabi, as well as the tomato and mozzarella pipettes, which just made me happy. The watermelon and tomato skewers are also juicy and refreshing, and the olive is awesome, if you like olives, which I definitely do.

Paella

Victor raved about the paella with shrimp, which he described as “rich and hearty.” I thought it was passable, nothing spectacular, but big enough for a table of four to share, which was nice. The wrinkled potatoes are also a good bet for a big group. The name makes the dish sound downright awful, but these tiny potatoes are cooked in seawater, soaking up the salt. I love salty. They come with a dip of parsley, cilantro, garlic and olive oil. The spinach dish with apple, pine nuts and raisins was also a highlight.

Andres is into old-time canning, although the canned dishes are actually made fresh daily so it’s more of a serving shtick. I was underwhelmed by the canned crab and mussels. The flavor was a little bland. Jan was also disappointed with her mushroom soup, which she said tasted like Campbell’s. Vic and I had a sip and thought she was being a tad harsh, but hey, it was her soup. I would also skip the carrot dish. My sister said it wasn’t worth mentioning. I know there was a steak dish and a tuna dish that I enjoyed, but their names and exact details escape my alcohol-sodden memory. Hey, it was my birthday dinner. I wasn’t taking great notes. (The sangria, by the way, is terrific.) After dinner, they lead you to the patisserie for dessert, where we had fun squeezing a capsule of chocolate into our mousse filled with pop rocks.

Watermelon and Tomato

After my first visit to The Bazaar, I felt all sparkly and shiny, like I was floating. It was definitely one of the most exciting dining experiences of my life. By my second visit, I felt like Dorothy after Toto pulled the curtain back on the Wizard of Oz. The service, unfortunately, was way off that night. The table next to us, which sat down after we did, got at least two dishes before our drinks or any scrap of food arrived. By the time our first dish finally appeared, I was starving. We had to remind them to bring our drinks at that point. Not good. I felt like Estelle on “Seinfeld” describing dinner with George’s would-be in-laws: “We were sitting there, like idiots,  drinking coffee without a piece of cake!”

The pushcarts were also missing in action that night, but we ordered their tasty delights anyway. Unfortunately, our servers forgot to bring the cotton candy foie gras and caviar cones. After the meal ended, we had to remind them.  And this place got four stars? Where was the magic of my first visit? There’s no question The Bazaar is a must-see spot, especially for people who are into design. You can pretty much wander around for an hour and stay amused. The place has a kitschy sense of humor, and it’s fun. Whenever out-of-towners visit, I’m sure I will bring them to experience the insanity. However, the restaurant should not rest on its LA Times review, especially in this economy. They need to concentrate on the basics like service so locals will keep coming back. The hip place today can easily turn into the has-been of tomorrow. Keep the magic alive and serve the food on time. — Jenny

The Bazaar at the SLS Hotel, 465 South La Cienega Blvd., Beverly Hills, 310-247-0400

Fogo Photo From Lacitybeat.com

We’d like to give a shout out to Lesley Balla, former writer/editor of Eater LA, who is launching a new food blog called Chow Balla. At Eater LA, Lesley pretty much kicked ass — constantly breaking food stories, seemingly everywhere at once. She made Eater LA a must read for food news and gossip addicts. Everyone will miss her there, but Balla junkies need not despair. In addition to her new food blog, she’s now editor of TastingTable LA, a new e-mail newsletter. So sign up for the latest food dish.

And while we’re on the topic of food sites, I must offer a ridiculously, embarrassingly — I hate adverbs, but in this case, they’re warranted — belated thanks to FoodDigger.com, a cool new site that hosted us at a dinner back in October at the all-you-can eat Brazilian churrascaria steakhouse Fogo de Chao. There we were lucky enough to meet fellow food bloggers Wandering Chopsticks, The Foodie Traveler, Teenage Glutster, kevinEats and Famished L.A.

Vic and I first visited Fogo together in Chicago six years ago after a group of fellow journalism instructors had a contest to pick the restaurant for a night on the town. Victor, who had visited the Fogo outside Dallas, won the contest with his campaign of “unlimited salad, unlimited meat. Did I say unlimited?” Its proximity to the Blue Frog karaoke bar was also a plus. Since then, we have make a habit of visiting the Chicago Fogo nearly every summer, and I’m happy to report that the Beverly Hills outlet offers just as gluttonous an experience.

We keep thinking that any day now, they might not let us come back…that Victor’s picture will be hanging behind the hostess stand like a Wanted poster. Anyone who has seen him in action knows that he could easily put Fogo out of business with his appetite for bacon-wrapped filet mignon, rump roast, garlic beef, lamb chops and chicken legs. I love the concept of little green and red coasters that tell the gaucho servers when to swoop in with their swords of meat. The start of the meal is always like a meat swarm, truly a vegan’s worst nightmare. Eventually, things calm down, but about an hour after everyone else has finished, Victor usually has his coaster still on green. He calmly chews his meat and asks for more. He has earned such a reputation among our friends that they have urged us to name our first child Fogo.

The man truly has a bottomless stomach, but he does have a strategy. Eat a hearty breakfast, and then nibble the rest of the day and work out hard at the gym mid-afternoon to keep the metabolism revved and to build up an appetite. The classic rookie mistake is overloading on the salad bar, which is tempting because it’s so extensive and tasty. Take it easy there, and save room for the big-ticket (i.e. meat) items. You can always go back to the salad bar. And while the cheese puffs are delicious, they can fill you up fast. You want to get your money’s worth, and Fogo ain’t cheap. Take just one bite for flavor, and don’t forget to save room for the tres leches cake and the papaya cream. There’s no shame in having to waddle out. — Jenny.

Not that we’re cracking any kind of huge mystery here, but you know one of the reasons Communism flopped was because nobody had any choices. That’s why we love the spirit of the DeTox-ReTox promotion at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills. Every Sunday this summer from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m., its blue on blue poolside lounge will offer selections to either keep the Saturday night party raging or ease your pain. (Our favorite hangover description is from “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” courtesy of Lou Grant: Did you ever feel so sick you’d have to rally to die?) The options:

DeTox Drinks

Mixed berry smoothie with bee pollen ($8).

Sparkling pomegranate lemonade ($6).

Pitcher of cucumber/lemon water ($3).

ReTox Drinks

Build your own Bloody Marys ($14).

Mimosas & mixers ($14).

DeTox Menu ($8 each)

BBQ brisket sliders

Thai chicken with cucumber cream

Fingerling-ricotta baked tater

Crab and corn hushpuppies

Spicy beef rice wraps

ReTox Menu ($8 each)

Tuna sashimi & pina-soy colada

Scallop ceviche

Salmon BLT flatbread

Duck and apricot strudel

Chicken and vegetable pot pie

No doubt that sometimes a greasy burger is the perfect hangover cure, but trust us when we tell you that those spicy beef wraps (above, right) can provide just as much comfort with 38 times the taste. And if you can eat them in a swanky, modern spot in the sun, so much the better.–Victor.

Avalon Beverly Hills, 9400 W. Olympic Blvd., Beverly Hills 90212